Title: There is No Title Good Enough for this Story
Genre: Pokemon!AU, humor, crack. So much crack.
Summary: In which Kibum is the greatest Pokémon trainer ever? And Eunhyuk just wants to be caught.
Come with me the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream
-Pokémon theme song
The morning sun shone down brightly upon the town of Suju in the land of SMEnt. At least, it would have if it weren’t raining Squirtles and Mudkips outside. Eunhyuk would be optimistic anyway.
But, really, how could he not be optimistic? This was his day! The day when he would finally go out into the world with his brothers and sisters and find a Pokémon master!
Most people didn’t know that this was, in fact, a big event for a Pokémon. It was a well-kept secret of the Pokémon world that every young Pokémon wishes to be captured and used to fulfill the goals of his or her trainer. But they would never tell. Pokémon liked to play hard-to-get.
Eunhyuk and his siblings kissed their weeping mother goodbye—she’d been such a good mother, Eunhyuk would miss her—and started out on their journey. Humans always thought that it was the trainers that looked for Pokémon, but every Pokémon knew it was the other way around.
It was the Pokémon that looked for a master. Humans couldn’t do anything for themselves.
Despite being quite happy to go out into the world and begin his travels, Eunhyuk was a bit sad to be leaving his family. His mother had been so kind to him, accepting him into her family even though they weren’t the same type—she being a Mankey, he being an Eunhyuk—and raising him from the time he was very small. She’d already had quite a few Mankey babies, and Eunhyuk had always been grateful that she’d been willing to take him in.
His Mankey siblings didn’t seem to be having the same regrets. They never seemed to be as emotionally attached as he was.
“Hyuk!” he called to his mother, a noise of farewell. She didn’t notice. To her he was already a child of the past. Eunhyuk wiped the tears from his eyes and ran out into the rainy morning.
At first, Eunhyuk had made an attempt at traveling with his siblings. They were all looking for the same thing, right? They all wanted a master who would be kind and understanding, who would let them out of their Pokeballs in the evenings and make sure they were healthy and well-fed.
Apparently not, because it was only the second day and all of his siblings had already found masters. Masters they knew nothing about. Masters that could have been terrorists for all they knew!
Mankeys were whores. They’d go for anyone.
Eunhyuk wasn’t a whore. Eunhyuk was a high-class Pokémon. He was going to find a Master that would treat him the way he deserved to be treated! Not like that scary Youngwoon man that one of his sisters had gone with.
Eunhyuk sighed and plopped down on a rock to think for a bit. “Hyuk hyuk. Eun Hyuk Eun. Eun Hyuk.” He said to himself, trying to think of the best place to find a trainer. They were never hard to find in the stories that Poké-Narrator told.
Perhaps he would just make camp here for the night. It was nearing sunset, and the weather was becoming far too cold for him. If only he had fur to keep him warm like so many of the other Pokémon. Instead, all he had when he got cold was the power to turn a light shade of blue, and so far that hadn’t been of any use to him at all!
After working for what felt like many hours, but which was really only 7-and-a-half minutes, Eunhyuk had put together a bed made of leaves and tree bark. He’d just started digging himself a pool so that he could go for his nightly swim when he heard it—the dull roar of departed dreams.
An Officer Jenny was approaching.
“EUN!” he called out in warning, just in case there were any other Pokémon in the area. Officer Jennys were the greatest threat to the happiness of all Pokémon. They always tried to be helpful, but they were such terrible failures at it that the Great Pokémon Council of 1998 had decreed that it would be best just to avoid them altogether.
Eunhyuk had been just about to do just that—avoid the Officer Jenny altogether, that is—when he spotted it. It was a Slowpoke, just lounging about by the road, completely unaware as to the danger approaching him.
He had to act quickly if he was going to save the Slowpoke in time. Officer Jennys might have been useless, but they were never far away. Eunhyuk ran as fast as he could toward the ignorant Pokemon and kicked.
The Slowpoke ended up in the unfinished swimming pool, and Eunhyuk ended up being arrested for cruelty to Pokémon.
Eunhyuk didn’t know how a Pokemon could be arrested. They were animals for goodness sake! Animals couldn’t be arrested! Unless this Officer Jenny wasn’t like all the other Officer Jennys. Maybe this was an Officer Jenny gone bad, an Officer Jenny who was into scary things like beastiality!
“Hyuk!” Eunhyuk cried. “Eun Hyuk Eun Hyuk!”
The Officer Jenny rolled its eyes and pulled Eunhyuk out of the tiny sidecar attached to its motorcycle. “Save the insanity plea for court.”
The Officer Jenny spoke in a very deep voice, and Eunhyuk decided that this Officer Jenny must be male.
He felt oddly disappointed. He’d never seen boobs before, but he’d been told they were glorious. Like baby Jigglypuffs.
The Officer Jenny, now believed to be male, dragged Eunhyuk into the police department and shoved him into the first empty cell and slammed the bars behind him. “You’ll stay there until tomorrow when one of the Judge Judys has time to hear your case.”
Eunhyuk didn’t want the Judge Judy to hear his case. Judge Judys sounded like terrible people. The sort of people watched on bad daytime television, whatever that was. And, besides that, what if she sentenced him to death! He hadn’t even done anything wrong!
“Hyuk!” he cried, pulling at the bars to be freed. This couldn’t be happening to him! He had so much left that he needed to do before he died! He could practically hear the depressing music playing in the background as he cried, but that only turned out to be a boy with chubby cheeks and another boy that danced around him throwing flowers playing music for money in the town square outside.
“Officer Kibum, that violin boy and his friend are at it again!” one of the other Officer Jennys complained.
The first Officer Jenny, now known to be an ‘Officer Kibum’, whatever that was, glared at her. “Why is it that you’re always okay when that thirteen member circus band with the bad hair comes through town, but when that boy plays his violin you complain? What, do you only like bands with thirteen members?”
Eunhyuk gasped in horror at the notion that such people existed and the second Officer Jenny, now known to be a disgusting ‘only thirteener’, stomped out of the room in a fury.
On the third day of prison—the town’s Judge Judy had been rather busy hearing a string of cases about the disappearance of everyone in the town’s ketchup (it was true anarchy. No one could eat French fries or hamburgers or meatloaf—not that anyone ate meatloaf anyway)—Eunhyuk decided that he was in love with Officer Kibum.
Officer Kibum, he had learned, had been the love child of an Officer Jenny and a Nurse Joy. All his life, he had been extremely confused as to how he had come into being, but he had always known that he had a very important purpose: to take his mother and her look-alike family out of power.
Kibum had worked hard, and after minutes upon hours of training he had walked into this police station, taken off his shirt, and was immediately given immediate control of the world.
Or, well, at least immediate control of this town, but it was still a big deal.
Eunhyuk thought that what Kibum had done was the bravest thing anyone had ever done. He’d heard a few of the townspeople mention the word “dictator” as they walked by the open door. Eunhyuk didn’t know that word, but he thought it probably meant “lord of all that is good” or “one who looks great naked”, or something along those lines.
Kibum had yelled at him a few times to stop acting like he couldn’t talk, because apparently he spoke perfectly well in his sleep, but Eunhyuk didn’t believe him. Kibum was only being nice, trying to make him feel better about being trapped here with all of these humans.
He was just an Eunhyuk, after all.
It was the fourth day when Kibum brought him the “clothing”.
Eunhyuk didn’t like the clothing. It felt awkward and he no longer had the ability to look behind himself to check whether or not he’d sprouted a tail or wings or something. Now all he could see was fabric.
“Eun!” Eunhyuk shouted.
“Hyuk Eun Hyuk!” Kibum shouted back.
Eunhyuk gasped. He’d never expected Kibum to say “I love you” so quickly.
It was Eunhyuk’s fifth day with Kibum, and he was just being let out of his cell go meet with the Judge Judy—the ketchup crimes still hadn’t been solved, but there didn’t seem to be any new leads—when it happened.
There was a scream of terror and then the tall boy who Eunhyuk usually saw dancing around the cute violin player came running in. “Come quickly! It’s terrible! Henry…”
The three of them ran out to the town square where the violin boy could be found, clutching at his ketchup-covered instrument. “They were jealous of her!” he cried. “They were jealous and so they destroyed her!”
“Who destroyed her?” Kibum asked, already taking notes in his tiny notebook (there was a unicorn on the cover, Eunhyuk had seen it once).
Everyone turned to see the Officer Jenny from Eunhyuk’s first night in the police station. The Officer Jenny laughed maniacally and held up her ketchup-gun. “And there’s plenty more where that came from!”
The Officer Jenny lifted her gun just as Eunhyuk took a step forward to comfort the still-weeping Henry. The splatter of ketchup hit him in the back and he fell to the ground in shock.
“Hyuk… Hyuk Eun Eun.” He moaned. The crowd gasped and Kibum fell to his knees.
“No! They… They got you!” Kibum took one of Eunhyuk’s hands in his own and looked away so that Eunhyuk wouldn’t see his tears. “You were the only one who realized I wasn’t a girl. Everyone always said I looked too good in the skirts…”
It was true. Eunhyuk thought so too.
“That’s why I wanted to dress you in my boy clothes. I only wear skirts, but I didn’t want them to go to waste and now look what’s happened! They’ve been stained!” It was well known by Eunhyuk, and possibly some other people, that Kibum absolutely abhorred stains.
Kibum stood up. “It’s the end for you, Officer Jenny! I should have known you were no good!”
Officer Kibum kicked Officer Jenny in the shin and she flew away, leaving nothing but a tiny sparkle in the distant sky.
The crowd began to drift away, no longer interested now that the main threat had gone away. Kibum turned around to look at Eunhyuk who was staring at the ketchup on his shirt thoughtfully.
And then he spit on it.
Kibum gasped as the stain disappeared and the shirt once again looked good as new.
“What…What did you do?”
“Oh, didn’t you know?” Henry asked, still looking rather miserable over the loss of his violin. “Eunhyuk saliva is a wonderful stain remover. It’s their only ability. Other than speaking human languages in their sleep, that is.”
Kibum stared in shock for a moment before a bright smile appeared on his face. Kibum’s smile was so beautiful that Henry’s violin spat out all of the ketchup and became perfect once more, and the cakeshop owners decided to have a day where everything was free.
“Will you marry me?” Kibum asked.
And then they ate free cake.
What's that? I rushed the ending. That's true. I did rush the ending. But, in my defense, I have a lot of homework to do.
Stormy, your prompt for tomorrow is "Why mimes don't wear stillettos". Enjoy!